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  • 敢於不同 - Dare to Change

Sihol Situmorang

更新日期:2019年3月26日


Gay for 4 years

​Been out of this old life for 9  years


Same-sex feelings now on a scale of change​

Significant 



Indonesia





一位前同志無神論者的見證


我出生在一個有名無實的基督教家庭。媽媽在身體上虐待我,爸爸拒絕我。因此,我開始討厭自己,試著自殺好幾次,但每次神都阻止了我。從童年開始,我感到和別人不一樣,總會對同性產生渴望。我也感到我只是類似男人(aquasi-man)。我試著「禱告遠離同性戀」并用自己的力量改變為「異性戀」,但我總是失敗。因此,我相信了我本來就是男同而且到死都是男同的謊言。最後,我決定擁抱和享受這個身份。在這麼做的時候,我棄絕了神的看法和存在,因為我知道一個人不能既跟隨神又活在罪中的真理。最後我完全忘了神。對於那時的我來說,神是不存在的,人死後也不存在。最後,我能夠做成自己想做的事,比如貪戀男性、觀看色情、手淫等。我對許多事上癮,包括賭博。我越來越善於壓制心中關於罪與自責的真理。但是即使過上我想要的那種生活,我心中從未感到滿足。


2010年普通的一天我開始質問生命的意義。我想… 如果沒有神,那麼受苦的意義何在?我被虐待、經歷艱難時期的意義何在?我意識到受苦的現實不能否認神的存在,反而是需要神的存在。如果神不存在,那麼受苦就是無意義的,如果這是真的,那麼我們最好殺死自己,滅掉人類,而不是讓無意義的苦難存在下去。那樣才是最理性的事。因此我知道關於生命一定有超越世上經歷之外的部分。神開始對我的心說話,提醒我祂對我生命的祝福,儘管我犯了許多罪。那時,我確信感受到了神的愛。一份你不可能在別處找到,卻只在耶穌基督里才有的愛。因此我開始跟隨耶穌,但我依然不確定。我堅守自己的同志身份,生怕失去它。我也想到跟隨神將是非常無聊的事,因為那樣我就不得不停止做我喜歡做的事,讓自己身陷于禱告和讚美詩中。(我完全錯了!)神知道我的心思意念,祂對我說:「只有愚昧人才拒絕我的愛。」它像是把我喚醒了。我意識到我不想成為選擇罪卻不選擇神完美之愛的愚昧人。因此我決定不惜代價跟隨神,因為我極其渴望得到耶穌。我不想成為異性戀。那時,我覺得同志沒什麼不好。實際上,我求神讓我繼續做同志,如果祂認為同志沒有問題的話。但是當我降服與祂的那一刻,罪的權勢被打破,我立刻從同性戀和過去的性癮中得到釋放,但我的思想仍需要更新。


我悔改之後,試探依然很強,因此神開始更新我的心思意念。祂開始向我顯明我所相信的謊言,并以真理替代謊言:這是關於聖潔不是異性戀;同性戀不是同性之愛,那種愛不單出現在婚姻中,那種親密與愛戀不等同於性交;我是屬於神的男人,為基督活著實際上讓生命更加激動人心并活的更自在!當我的心思意念更新之後,試探開始漸漸失去它的權勢。今天,當試探來的時候,我不再是被試探的。靠著神的恩典,我到現在都沒有後退。我確信這個心意更新的過程將一直持續到基督再來或祂招我回天家時。無論哪種方式,我都感到興奮,我迫不及待見到我們所愛的新郎。


大約一年前,神啟示我寫一本書,我以為它會是關於同性戀的,但根本不是。這本書既不是關於我,也不是關於同性戀。這本書是關於神的愛與真理。如果你想讀到它,可以從

www.notthesamelove.com (免費)獲取該書,共有三種語言(英語、法語和印度尼西亞語)。


TESTIMONY OF AN EX-GAY ATHEIST


I was born in a nominal Christian family. I was abused physically by my mom and felt rejected by my father. Because of that, I began loathing myself and was tempted to commit suicide a few times but God always stopped me every time. Since my childhood, I felt different and was always attracted to the same sex. I also felt like I was only a quasi-man. I tried to "pray the gay away" and change myself with my own power to be "straight" but I kept failing. So, I believed the lie that it was just who I was and I would die as a gay man. Finally I decided to just embrace and enjoy it. In doing so, I rejected the notion of God and His existence because I knew the truth that you couldn't follow God and live in sin at the same time. I ended up completely forgetting God. For me back then God didn't exist and after death there was only oblivion. Finally I was able to do what I wanted to do, such as lusting over men, watching porn, masturbating, etc. I was addicted to many things, including gaming. I've become really good at suppressing the truth about sin and my guilt. But even after living the life that I wanted, I was never satisfied.


On one ordinary day in 2010 I began to question the meaning of life. I thought... if there is no God, what is the meaning of suffering then? I have been abused and gone through rough time, what's the point of all that? I realized that the reality of suffering does not negate the existence of God but rather demands it. If God doesn't exist then suffering is pointless and if that's true then it's better to just kill ourselves and wipe out humanity rather than perpetuating pointless suffering. That would be the most rational thing to do. So I knew there must be more to life than this earthly experience. God began speaking to my heart and reminded me of His blessings in my life despite of all my sins. I was then convinced of God's love. A love that you can't find anywhere else but in Jesus Christ. For this reason, I wanted to follow Jesus but I was still not sure. I was holding on to my gay identity and I was scared of losing it. I also thought following God would be so ever boring because I would have to stop doing the things I've enjoyed doing so far and I would be stuck with only prayers and hymns. (Boy was I wrong!) Knowing what was going on in my mind, God spoke the truth to me, "Only fools reject My perfect love." And it was like a wake up call for me. I realized I didn't want to be the fool who chooses sin over God's perfect love. So I decided to follow God at any cost because I just wanted Jesus that badly. I didn't want to be straight. At that time, I didn't see anything wrong with being gay. In fact, I asked God to let me stay gay if He is OK with that. But the moment I surrendered myself to Him, the power of sin was broken and I was instantly freed from homosexuality and my past addictions but my mind still had to be renewed.


After my repentance, temptation was still very strong and so God started this process of renewing my mind. He started to show the lies that I have believed and replace them with the truth: that this is about HOLINESS and NOT heterosexuality, that homosexuality is NOT same sex love, that love is NOT ONLY found in marriage, that intimacy and love are NOT synonymous with sex, that I AM a man of God, and that living FOR CHRIST actually makes life more exciting and well alive! As my mind was being renewed, temptation slowly began to lose its power. Nowadays I'm not 'tempted' when I'm 'tempted'. By God's grace, I have not backslidden so far. I am sure that this process of renewing my mind will continue 'til Christ returns or He calls me home. Either way, I am excited, I can't wait to see our beloved groom.


About a year ago, God inspired me to write a book and I thought this book was going to be about homosexuality but not at all. This book is neither about me or homosexuality. This book is about God's love and truth. If you want to read it, you can get the book (for free) here www.notthesamelove.com available in three languages (English, French, and Indonesian).

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© 2018 敢於不同國際聯盟 - Dare to Change Global Alliance

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