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  • 敢於不同 - Dare to Change

Shirley Baskett

更新日期:2019年1月15日




我的第一段女同關係如此的令人著迷,以致于我離棄了自己的基督教信仰。它讓我感到很困惑,因為我以為是神把我造成女同。神把我造成這樣子,又對我定罪、拒絕我,看上去很殘忍。


當女友離開我投奔別人時,我崩潰了。然而,我仍然沒有懷疑自己是同性戀者,所以我繼續試著尋找另一個可以愛的女人。經過幾段關係之後,我不再渴望去愛任何女人,因為它帶給我太多痛苦。但是,我完全被有關性傾向的信仰迷惑了。


我感覺身體里有不同東西的混合,身為女兒身,卻有男兒魂。要不是因為我怕我媽甚於怕神,我當然選擇去做變性。神看起來不是那麼令我懼怕,反而十分遙遠,就像我的生身父親一樣。


我28歲時陷入了僵局。「我生下來就是如此並且不能改變」的信念如此強烈地佔據我的思想,以致于我開始思考自殺。一想到作為一個年齡越來越大的女同會孤獨終老,如今又酗酒,就讓我倍感淒涼。然而,我還記得我曾認識的那位神,我想祂是否會以任何方式把我挽回。


如果不能與神重新建立真實的關係,那麼我只有一個選擇了。我想過從奧克蘭港灣大橋一躍而下,但並非每個這麼做的人都能摔死。有些人只是全身粉碎性骨折,我真的不喜歡那種疼痛。


因此,我做了最後一次禱告。如果神真的存在,伸手救我的話,那麼我願意放棄尋找與任何異性或同性的戀愛關係。如果神願意,我就離開現在的生活,全心跟隨祂。如果神不聽我禱告,那麼唯一符合邏輯的行動就是一死了之。如果說同志沒有辦法改變自己是對的,那麼我就被迷惑了,這個信念讓我處在絕望之中。


然而,當天晚上神確實差派人來幫助我回歸信仰的生命。這位男士是我多年前認識的一個溫和有愛心的基督徒。我得以與他談論所有的問題,多數不是關於同性戀方面,而是關於我對神的悖逆。


我回到神面前不是為了變成「異性戀」。我回來是為了跟隨耶穌。神沒有誤造我的性別,祂能讓我看到如何成為祂原本希望我成為的那個女人。不久,我結婚了,我當然沒想到能實現這一步,我和所有人一樣驚訝于自己做出這樣的決定。


對我而言最大的幫助是明白我的女同感受是如何產生的。我是三個孩子中最小的。我哥哥是最大的孩子,他有低功能型自閉症(low functioning level of autism),需要24小時看護。我媽媽常說她很高興我是個安靜的孩子,因為她只需要花時間餵我吃的,給我穿衣服。


為了預備大腦能夠在日後與人建立健康的關係,一個孩子所需要的聯繫遠不止這些,對於女孩而言,可能會導致尋求與女人之間的關係,因為這種原始功能從未被很好的開發出來。


我哥哥12歲溺水身亡后,我的家成了一個黑暗悲傷的成長場所。我開始想如果我是個男孩,就能替代哥哥的位置,也許能從爸媽那裡找到我所渴望的愛。在我童年還有許多其它的因素。當我回顧往事,我發現自我記事起就已對女性產生了感情。這是使我相信我「生來就是女同」的自我評價之一。現在我不那麼認為了,我能清楚看到我的同性渴望如何在幼年時期行成,並在成年時期變得活躍的。


我不得不屈從于媽媽已受創傷的人格,而作為成年人我能看到她的精神疾病的實質為何,並且我能夠原諒她。我和爸爸之間幾乎沒有任何聯繫,當然也沒從他那裡得到過我是女性的身份確認。


我不是說這完全是每個人的模式,因為根本沒有一個固定模式。但是我現在可以明白并解開我自己的故事。在28歲時,我最終意識到沒有任何人能使我們完全。因此,我不再想著圍繞自己的性傾向去界定自己的生活。我的計劃是做一個獨身者,成為耶穌的跟隨者,做任何祂交付給我的事。然而,神對我的計劃卻包含了婚姻,到現在我的婚姻已經持續了35年。


My first lesbian relationship was so compelling and obsessive that I turned away from my Christian faith. It confused me as I thought God had made me lesbian. It seemed that God was cruel to make me this way and yet condemn me to rejection.


When my girlfriend left me for someone else, I was crushed. However now I had no doubt that I was homosexual, so I went on trying to find love with a woman. After a number of relationships, I had come to a point where stopped hoping for love with any woman as it led to too much pain. But I was fully trapped by my belief about my orientation.

I felt that there had been some biological mix up and I was really a male soul in a woman’s body. I would have certainly had physical reassignment, except that I was far more afraid of my mother than I was of God. God did not seem fearsome to me, but rather remote, like my philosophical and gentle father.


At the age of twenty-eight I had reached an impasse. I was so persuaded by the belief that I had been ‘born that way and couldn’t change’ that I was contemplating suicide. The future alone and aging as a lesbian and now an alcoholic, looked bleak to me. However, I remembered the God I had once known and wondered if there was any way he might have me back.


If I couldn’t reconnect in a real way with God, then I could only see one alternative. I had thought about jumping off the Auckland Harbour bridge, but then not everyone dies when they do this. Some break every bone in their bodies and I don’t enjoy pain.

So, I prayed a last prayer. If God really did exist and if he reached out to me, then I was ready to give away all hope for finding any love relationship with either a female or a male. If God was willing, then I would leave the life I was living and follow him with all my heart. If God didn’t answer, then the only logical action for me was to end it all. If it was true that if a person is gay, they are never able to change, then I was trapped, and this belief held me in despair.


However, God did reach out by sending someone on that evening to help me back to a life of faith. This man was a gentle loving Christian that I had known years before. I was able to talk to him about all the issues I had any many were not about my homosexuality but were more about my rebellion toward God.


I did not come back to God to become ‘straight’. I came back to follow Jesus. God had not made a mistake with my gender, and he could show me how to be the woman he had intended me to be. Later, I married, but this certainly was not my aim and I was as astonished as anyone that I could have come to such a decision.


The greatest help for me was to understand how my lesbian feelings had developed. I was the last of three children. The oldest, my brother was at a low functioning level of autism. He required twenty-four-hour care. My mother often said she was glad I was a quiet baby as she only had time to feed and clothe me. A baby needs more contact than this to wire the brain for healthy connections later and for a girl, it can mean looking for connection with a woman as this initial function never began well.


When my brother drowned at the age of twelve, my family became a dark and grieving place to grow up. I began to think that if I was a boy I would be able to take my brother’s place and perhaps find the love from my parents that I so craved. There were many other factors in my childhood. As I looked back, I could see that my affections had been for women from as early as I could remember. This was one of the self-assessments that made me believe that I must surely have been, ‘born that way’. I now do not believe that and can see clearly how my same-sex feelings were formed from the earliest years, becoming active in adulthood.


I had to come to terms with my mother’s damaged personality and as an adult I was able to see her mental illness for what it was and to forgive her. I had barely any relationship with my father and certainly no endorsement from him of who I was as a female.


I am not saying that this is a complete pattern for everyone, as there is no one pattern. But I could now understand and unravel my own story. At twenty-eight, I finally realized that no human can complete us. Now, I no longer wanted to identify my life around my sexuality. My plan was to live celibate and be a follower of Jesus, doing whatever he gave me to do. However, God’s plan for me included marriage and this has lasted thirty-five years so far.

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