對我而言最大的幫助是明白我的女同感受是如何產生的。我是三個孩子中最小的。我哥哥是最大的孩子，他有低功能型自閉症（low functioning level of autism），需要24小時看護。我媽媽常說她很高興我是個安靜的孩子，因為她只需要花時間餵我吃的，給我穿衣服。
My first lesbian relationship was so compelling and obsessive that I turned away from my Christian faith. It confused me as I thought God had made me lesbian. It seemed that God was cruel to make me this way and yet condemn me to rejection.
When my girlfriend left me for someone else, I was crushed. However now I had no doubt that I was homosexual, so I went on trying to find love with a woman. After a number of relationships, I had come to a point where stopped hoping for love with any woman as it led to too much pain. But I was fully trapped by my belief about my orientation.
I felt that there had been some biological mix up and I was really a male soul in a woman’s body. I would have certainly had physical reassignment, except that I was far more afraid of my mother than I was of God. God did not seem fearsome to me, but rather remote, like my philosophical and gentle father.
At the age of twenty-eight I had reached an impasse. I was so persuaded by the belief that I had been ‘born that way and couldn’t change’ that I was contemplating suicide. The future alone and aging as a lesbian and now an alcoholic, looked bleak to me. However, I remembered the God I had once known and wondered if there was any way he might have me back.
If I couldn’t reconnect in a real way with God, then I could only see one alternative. I had thought about jumping off the Auckland Harbour bridge, but then not everyone dies when they do this. Some break every bone in their bodies and I don’t enjoy pain.
So, I prayed a last prayer. If God really did exist and if he reached out to me, then I was ready to give away all hope for finding any love relationship with either a female or a male. If God was willing, then I would leave the life I was living and follow him with all my heart. If God didn’t answer, then the only logical action for me was to end it all. If it was true that if a person is gay, they are never able to change, then I was trapped, and this belief held me in despair.
However, God did reach out by sending someone on that evening to help me back to a life of faith. This man was a gentle loving Christian that I had known years before. I was able to talk to him about all the issues I had any many were not about my homosexuality but were more about my rebellion toward God.
I did not come back to God to become ‘straight’. I came back to follow Jesus. God had not made a mistake with my gender, and he could show me how to be the woman he had intended me to be. Later, I married, but this certainly was not my aim and I was as astonished as anyone that I could have come to such a decision.
The greatest help for me was to understand how my lesbian feelings had developed. I was the last of three children. The oldest, my brother was at a low functioning level of autism. He required twenty-four-hour care. My mother often said she was glad I was a quiet baby as she only had time to feed and clothe me. A baby needs more contact than this to wire the brain for healthy connections later and for a girl, it can mean looking for connection with a woman as this initial function never began well.
When my brother drowned at the age of twelve, my family became a dark and grieving place to grow up. I began to think that if I was a boy I would be able to take my brother’s place and perhaps find the love from my parents that I so craved. There were many other factors in my childhood. As I looked back, I could see that my affections had been for women from as early as I could remember. This was one of the self-assessments that made me believe that I must surely have been, ‘born that way’. I now do not believe that and can see clearly how my same-sex feelings were formed from the earliest years, becoming active in adulthood.
I had to come to terms with my mother’s damaged personality and as an adult I was able to see her mental illness for what it was and to forgive her. I had barely any relationship with my father and certainly no endorsement from him of who I was as a female.
I am not saying that this is a complete pattern for everyone, as there is no one pattern. But I could now understand and unravel my own story. At twenty-eight, I finally realized that no human can complete us. Now, I no longer wanted to identify my life around my sexuality. My plan was to live celibate and be a follower of Jesus, doing whatever he gave me to do. However, God’s plan for me included marriage and this has lasted thirty-five years so far.