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  • 敢於不同 - Dare to Change

James Parker

更新日期:2018年10月31日


我17歲時向家人和朋友公開同志身份。他們確認了我的同志身份,並說已經知道這事許多年。我一直都只是被同性吸引,所以就想當然地認為我生下來是同性戀者。


當我公開分享我如何生下來就是同志時,沉重的膽子從我肩上脫落。我注意到一夜之間我的自我傷害和自殺情緒驟然減輕了。我開始嘗到自由的滋味。


18歲時,我從鄉下搬到一所城市大學。在那裡,我是公開同志身份的第一人。他們親切地稱我為「大學同志」,我自認為有義務建立一個女同男同團體。


和我在同志社群認識到的每個人一樣,我一開始非常淫亂。然後,我沒有去尋找,就遇見我的王子。他曾在部隊服役,外表彰顯出男子漢的氣概,符合我的所有要求。我穿著花哨,女人氣十足,他說我滿足他的所有條件。我們彼此委身,在長期關係中視對方為唯一的性伴侶。


我們約會一年後,一個在校生走進我,問我是否想在生命中獲得更多愛。「想」,我回答。「誰不想呢?」這位男士非常屬靈,不久我發現我在聆聽他的教導。他教我如何禱告,在更深的層面上影響我的生命。


對生命的思考讓我追問關於自己和周圍世界的更深問題。我開始更多的經歷內在的平安。男友看到這一點,也想要更多平安。我們每天開始深思和禱告。幾乎一夜之間,許多男同女同視我們為模範情侶。生命從未如此美好——至少我是這麼相信的。


幾個月后,隨著我對人生的思考加深,我越來越對這種模範同志關係感到不安。我開始看到,對於我和男友來說,男人依然是我們不了解的,我們倆都未明白何謂男人。處在這個身份里讓人痛苦。我開始看到,我們倆各以不同方式面臨著與靈魂、身份和與其他男人的爭戰。


然後,我毅然決然拒絕了「同志」這個危害性的標籤,從同志社群走了出去。然後,我選擇拜訪一位專業的治療師,他幫助我處理人生這一巨大的社會性變化。隨之發生的事徹底震驚了我。


經過每天的深思,在一位富有洞察力、靈里敏銳的治療師的陪伴下,我終於和嚴重受到創傷的內在自我面對面,這是我之前從未了解的,反而把它壓抑在潛意識里。我突然發現自己在面對出生時被遺棄的創傷,包括被別人撫養和收養,許多年的童年性虐待,對男性根深蒂固的不信任和對女性的嚴重懼怕。


我學著正視自己的痛苦和羞恥。我學著饒恕,也請求別人饒恕,把「自己的真理和感情」替換為「關於自己生物屬性和自然律的真理與現實」。隨著靈魂慢慢的治愈,我學著信賴男人和女人,因此我從未經歷過的那個深藏在我裡面的男人開始站立起來。

由於我用心地學習如何不帶情慾地信賴並深深委身于其他男性,我對一切具有男子漢氣概的事物產生情慾的先驗經歷減少了。不僅如此,我的性衝動也減少了。我的焦慮感降低。自我傷害行為完全消失。對酒精、工作、表演和色情的癮好開始退去。我不再和男人處於抗爭狀態,我開始喜愛自己的身體,經歷過那麼多次童年性虐待和強姦,以前的我很少有這種感受。藉著醫治,我開始探尋一個新的「奧秘」。很自然地,我開始在女人的互補性中發現新的奧秘。我結婚並成為一個爸爸,這樣的事在別人口中都是不可能的,也是我從未期待或尋求過的。


今天,我還有許多不完美的地方。遺憾的是,十年之後我離婚了。然而,我今天經歷的平安與尊貴是語言難以形容的。我經歷的內在自由遠比過去多,當然也遠遠超過我做同志和社會活動家的時候。


如果我不想讓別人經歷生命中的這種自由與滿足,那麼我就是自私、愚昧和沒有任何愛心的。


I came out to my family and school friends at 17. They affirmed me as being gay and said that they had known this for years. I had only ever been same-sex attracted so of course believed that I was born gay.


A huge weight lifted from my shoulders as I publicly shared how I had been born gay. I noticed that my self-harming and suicidal feelings reduced significantly overnight as I did this. I began to taste freedom.


When aged 18, I moved from the country to a city university. I was the first person ever to come out publicly. I was affectionately known as the "college queer", and saw it as my duty to establish a lesbian and gay group.


I was very promiscuous at first as was everyone I knew in the gay community. Then, without searching, I met my Mr Right. He had been in the military, externally exemplified manhood and ticked all my boxes. I was loud and effeminate and yet he said that I ticked all of his boxes too. We were committed to one another and were monogamous throughout our long-term relationship.


A year after we started dating, a fellow student approached me at university and asked me if I wanted more love in my life. “Yes,” I replied. “Who doesn’t?” This man was deeply spiritual and I soon found myself under his instruction. He taught me to pray and to reflect more deeply on my life.


My reflective life demanded that I ask deeper questions about myself and the world around me. I began to experience increasing peace within myself. My boyfriend saw this and also wanted more peace. We both began to daily reflect and pray. Almost overnight many gay men and women began to hail us as a model gay couple. Life couldn't get better – or so I believed.


Months later, as my reflective life significantly deepened, I felt an increasing unease with this model gay relationship. I was beginning to see that men were still a mystery for both me and for my boyfriend and that neither of us had “demystified” men. This was a painful place to be in. I came to see that we were both in different ways at war with our souls, with our identities and with other men.


I then chose to completely reject the damaging label of ‘gay’ and walked away from the gay community. I then chose to visit a professional therapist who helped me to deal with such a dramatic social change in my life. What then transpired shocked me to the very core.


Through deep daily reflection and accompanied by an insightful and spiritual therapist, I came face-to-face with crippling inner wounds I had never previously seen but had pushed deep into my unconscious. I suddenly found myself facing traumas from having been abandoned at birth, from having been fostered and adopted, from years of childhood sexual abuse, from a deep rooted distrust of men and a crippling fear of women.


I learnt to face my pain and shame. I learnt what it meant to forgive, to ask for forgiveness, to exchange "my truth and feelings" for "the Truth and reality about my biology and Natural Law". As my soul slowly healed, I learnt precariously to trust men and women and so the man hidden deep within me that I'd never experienced before began to rise.


As a result of my heart now learning to trust and to deeply engage non-erotically with other men, my erotic preoccupation with everything masculine lessened. Not only this, but my sexual compulsivity lessened. So did my anxiety levels. My self-harming completely stopped. My addictions to alcohol, to work, to performing, to pornography began to fall away. I was no longer at war with being male and I began to love being in my own body, something I had rarely if ever previously experienced as a result of so much childhood sexual abuse and rape. From this place of healing, I went in search of a new “mystery”. Understandably, I began to discover this mystery in the complementarity of woman. I married and became a dad, which was everything I had been told was impossible and which I had never expected or sought after.


Today, I am very far from perfect. Regrettably, my marriage ended in divorce after ten years. And yet the growing peace and dignity I experience today is beyond words. I experience inner freedom more deeply than ever before, and certainly more than when I was a gay man and activist.


It would be selfish, foolish, and deeply unloving of me not to want others to experience this same freedom and fulfillment in life.

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© 2018 敢於不同國際聯盟 - Dare to Change Global Alliance

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